Holland dayz.

Pretty simple. Needs demystification. All you have to know is that you're essentially making a hot mayonnaise. In a way.

A recipe that can be fifty-folded or not:

2 egg yolks
juice of half a lemon
salt
sriracha <- integral

Before you stir the previous together, melt a half-pound of butter down. Leave to cool to room-temp.

Stir the previous together in a metal mixing bowl. If you have gas heat, so much the better. Electric? Shit. Your bad. This can still be done though:

Light a burner (electric or otherwise), and put the stirred ingredients over said heat. Begin diligently whisking them together, periodically taking them off the heat from time to time. Electric's gonna take more time than gas, which'll happen in a flash, but once you get to "ribbon stage" <- a term utilized because when you take the whisk and pick up the cooking egg yolk mass and you're able to make a figure-eight(8) within it, you're done cooking the hollandaise, this is when you take it away from the heat; but first, dampen a towel, ring it out, roll it together, snap someone in the ass with it, and conform it into a circle. Place said bowl of hollandaise on top, and begin whisking the aforementioned melted butter into it. Take your time, and let the butter go in at a slow pace.

Once it's together, stir it over your favourite poached eggs, fish, steak, whatever.

No sauce should EVER be so mystical.

luv,
s

Turducken.

So, turducken is an abomination in the eyes of God, but can still be made, somewhat appropriately (this approach is Frenchified to the extreme, but I feel that this lightens the load, so to speak) :

Take a turkey apart, then a duck, and then a chicken. Set the legs aside from all three, as well as the breasts.

Put all the bones in a pot, add some aromatics (I usually go for onions, garlic, fresh thyme and bay laurel), top up with water, and bring to a boil. IMMEDIATELY lower to the lowest possible simmer you can maintain on your stove, and steep for eight hours.

Next day:

Strain your stock, discard the bones and such, siphon off a a couple of liters and set aside, and put the remainder in a pot to reduce and concentrate. Don't boil it down, just let it reduce SUPER slowly. It didn't do anything to you, so why treat it so harshly?

Bring out another big pot and place over medium heat. Chop a mirepoix (50%onions, 25% each carrots and celery - lots, as well) beforehand, and begin sauteing. After about five minutes, add your assorted poultry legs to the pot, along with more aromatics (just similar herbs as above), then just barely cover with the stock you siphoned off earlier (add any remainder back to the other pot currently reducing), bring to a boil, then immediately lower to a bare simmer, or, if space is an issue, bring your oven to 325F, clap a lid on the legs, and place it in said oven for two hours. Otherwise, if you're fine doing it on the range-top, leave it there for two hours, until the meat is falling off the bone, but don't OVER-braise it - the shit'll get dry as a popcorn fart if you do. Once done, leave to cool, and place in your fridge, warts and all, until tomorrow.

Whilst you're waiting for said legs to finish, prep the breasts: bring out a food processor, and finely mince about eight shallots, six cloves of garlic, and 1/8 cup of fresh thyme. Stir that together. Place the duck breasts (by the way, take the skins off the breasts of the duck and chicken) in the processor, along with half of the aromatic mix you just made, and one egg. Season the affair with salt, and pepper if you're so inclined (i'm not, but the salt is mandatory). Puree until it all comes together as a paste. You may need to scrape the sides down a couple of times, so be prepared for that.

Repeat the process with the chicken breasts.

Take your turkey breasts and butterfly them open. Season the interior with salt. Spread first the duck puree (called a forcemeat or "farce" in french classical cuisine) over the exposed interior, then follow with the chicken farce on top of that. Roll it up carefully, trying to preserve the look of the natural state of the turkey breast, and season the outside skin with salt, and place in an appropriate roasting pan. Leave till tomorrow.

Also, once the turducken stock has reduced to the appropriate point, where everything tastes strongly enough, thicken with a roux, but only enough so that it coats the back of a spoon, rather than something a spoon can stand up in. Leave to cool, and refridgamerate.

Early the next day, drag your braised leg meat outta the fridge and pull the meat a la pulled pork off the bone, discard the aromatics, but SAVE THAT MOTHERFUCKIN' LIQUID, and set aside in a mixing bowl. Reduce the braising liquid down for a half an hour, and in another pot (big enough to hold the proceedings), sweat a fine mince of mirepoix for a number of minutes until soft, add the aforementioned pulled meat, stir to combine, and then add the reducing braising liquid - as much as it takes to bring the mix together. Season with salt. Any remainder of stock? - set aside and stir into the gravy.once it's back to temp and hits it's "gravy" consistency again.

Preheat your oven to 400F. Place the turducken (breast portion) in the oven, and roast till 155F. Keep your turducken ragout hot, and warm your gravy, seasoning as necessary). Let the roast of turducken breast rest for thirty minutes (tented, if not longer), until it hits 165F, then carve (thinly), and serve with whatever you think makes it the shit - I prefer twice-baked potatoes (stuffed with bacon, sour cream and cheese, thank you Karl), green beans, and a medicinal dose of whiskey or five.

You're welcome.